October 19, 2015

I Have Commitment Issues

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As it turns out, I have commitment issues of my own.  Not in the way that you may think, however. Instead of fearing to commit, I am committing too much! Who would have thought?!  I like to commit myself to challenges - a health/fitness challenge (like the Whole30), a reading challenge, a spending freeze (yeah...nuff said), watching less TV challenge, or even committing myself to social activities. I am committing myself to too much!  In all of these commitments, where is the time for me?  For some reason I feel apt to commit myself to challenges? Why? I don't know why. My mentor doesn't know why either, but she thinks I should stop.

It was suggested that perhaps the reason I am making all these 'commitments' is my way of giving myself something to focus on instead of truly focusing on myself. At least that's how I understood it :)  It was also suggested that I take a break from dating. Didn't I just join Match? Haha! But seriously, that's just another thing that I'm putting my focus on instead of focusing on me. I am finding myself falling back into old patterns and habits. No bueno!

Here's what I'm thinking . . .

Instead of going on a money freeze, I should start to save money. Just $10 from each paycheck to start. So, I am going to get myself a cute little piggy bank and start putting money in it. I can use it as a treat for myself down the road.

Instead of repeatedly saying I'm going to do the Whole30 again, I will make healthy choices. There are definitely things that are not Whole30 compliant that I want to be able to eat. The hummus in my fridge being one of those things.  I know what's good for me and what's not. I know what my body prefers and what it doesn't. When I wake up with swollen fingers I know it's because I've been eating too many carbs. When I wake up with sinus allergies, it's because I've been eating dairy. Feeling sluggish?...Sugar! I just need to make conscious healthy choices.
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Instead of dating for right now, just focus on Erica. My mentor said that I should be able to sit in the quiet and feel comfortable in it. When I can sit comfortably in the quiet, then I can reevaluate dating. I need to love me, all of me, and be comfortable with me. While dating, I have found myself wavering on some things (religious beliefs and the want to have children as examples) that I should not be wavering on. My mentor suggested that I make a list of what sanity in a relationship means to me.  Once I've created this list, then I need to stick to it, no matter what!  For some reason I feel as though I'm in a rush to "complete" my life. Find a man, get married, have babies, and so on and so forth. That's not something I should be rushing or settling on.

I guess you could say I'm in a place in my life where I feel, for lack of a better word, incomplete. I thought I'd be somewhere else - as in married with kids by now.  Maybe I'm trying to fill that 'incompleteness' with challenges and goals and guys. After reading that last sentence I definitely have some self-work to do. It's a good thing I have the rest of my life to work on me :)

Has anyone out there experienced this?
I'd love to hear your thoughts and similar experiences!


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